dream deferred
My house is a mess, I have 15 different projects on my plate, and I’m starting to feel that anxious there’s something I should be doing, but I’m not sure what that is… feeling ALL THE TIME now. I have got to get organized.
But that’s not what I’m here to write about.
The thing that’s really on my mind–so much that I dreamt about it all night, then woke up at 5am thinking about it, fell back asleep and dreamt about it again–is that I am up for a television pilot and I’m 90% certain I got it. That freaking 10% is the shit that’s driving me crazy.
Of course, talking about it now is probably the best way to make certain I don’t get the part.
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Fuck it.
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So last night I went to the callback for this pilot (which I won’t name here, otherwise ensuring my jinx), but I didn’t really have much faith that I would get it. I showed up at 4pm, and based on the first audition, I knew I would be in for a long haul. The two writers and director really took their time with everyone–they tried me out in different roles, took me in for a reading, sent me out, brought new people in, sent them out, took me back in with new people, sent me out again… and on and on for hours.
It’s an ensemble show, so they really wanted to make sure the people they cast have good chemistry. I didn’t think much about the fact that I was still there until we got to about 8:40pm and the director politely sent about 8 people home, leaving me and four other people. Bear in mind, the show calls for a five person cast.
The five of us were there for another hour, reading three scenes and finishing it all up with a pretty rad improv. Maybe it means nothing that I was there in the last group. But as we were sitting there after the improv, the whole situation suddenly felt very significant to me. I thought for sure, as they asked us to wait in the hall one last time, that they would emerge a few minutes later, all smiles, saying, "We just had to confirm what we already knew–you guys are it–you’re our fantastic cast. Congratulations!"
Of course what they said instead was, "Thank you so much. You guys are all great. We’ll let you know Friday."
There were still smiles and much back patting, but it comes down to them not saying anything for sure.
I guess I’m so fixated on this because I felt like it was so close. I could practically taste it, sitting up there on the stage, imagining what it would be like to be on a TV show. I let myself think I had it, and it was such a let down to not know anything for certain.
If I had been asked to leave just an hour earlier, I would have felt good about my performance, rated myself at a 30% chance of getting it, and called it a day. I’m used to rejection at this point, and I save myself a lot of grief by not pinning too many hopes on any one audition.
But in moments like these, I realize what a romantic sucker I still am.
